Taking responsibility for our actions

I received a call from a friend one day at four in the morning. Disoriented and half-asleep, I thought she might have called me by mistake so I hit the 'busy' button. The next thing I knew, I received a text from her telling me that she'd discovered her husband was cheating on her and to call her when I could.

I took my mobile with me and called her right away from the living room. I knew exactly what she was going through and how talking to someone can make a difference.

Her husband's transgression was unforgivable but he claimed no physical contact other than holding hands. What is it with men? Can they be so dense that they think just having dinner is not infidelity? It is when your spouse doesn't know how many dinners you've had together or if you find yourself in a kitty corner with your dinner partner. Or is it that it has to be sex before they claim unfaithfulness? Or that giving the all-universal line: "I didn't think" will absolve them from any blame? "I was stupid" is another favourite line with perpetrators. As if being stupid and not thinking can possibly take away the indescribable pain your wife suffers from finding out about your affair. Here's another good one: she was convenient. Can you believe the callousness with which men treat our feelings and trust?

Any spouse who thinks that having dinners and intimate long chats or holding hands with any person other than their partner does not amount to infidelity or an affair should be shot. And hung out to dry. There is such a thing as emotional infidelity. It all boils down to this: if you are hiding it from your partner, then you are being unfaithful. Having dinner, intimate conversations, sharing private jokes, intimate or even 'legal' physical contact, having crush-like thoughts such as, "she would love this pair of earrings"; they all count.

And the husbands fobbing off the affair as their wives' faults because there were problems in the marriage? They should be castrated, humiliated and then tortured some more. The last time I heard, men (and women alike) are responsible for their own actions. Whatever it was that was going awry with the marriage, both husband and wife contribute to it.

Most women usually accept their husbands back into their lives after an affair. Usually they do it because of the kids. Sometimes, the thought of being alone is scary. Sometimes it's just weariness; if you have no kids, the thought of going out there into singlehood, hooking up with another guy, only to have the same thing happen to you again, is just too much to bear. Might as well stick to the current guy; if it ever happens again, you are more prepared and you've already given him fair warning. The second time around, you will make absolutely sure that he suffers. And anyway, what insurance is there that the next guy you end up marrying won't cheat on you either?

And yes, an affair jades you. Trust is a thing where once broken, is almost impossible to mend. That crack, however small and expertly glossed over, is still there. You no longer believe that men are to be given the benefit of the doubt. They don't deserve that benefit. I know many women, myself included, who have been in and encounter many situations which could potentially lead to "emotional/physical entanglements" or affairs. But I do believe that women in general are stronger in character and therefore are able to avoid tendencies to stray, no matter how difficult their domestic issues might be.

When caught, some husbands may promise the world to ensure their wives don't leave. But at this point, it's only words. Saying it won't happen again is not enough, is never enough. The words need to be follwed-up thoroughly with action. Nothing can guarantee that it won't happen again, least of all promises. After all, couples promise to love and honour each other when they say their marriage vows and look what can happen even after those vows have been said.

Picking up and surviving after an affair is never easy. Rebuilding the trust and earning it falls on the perpetrator. The one who had the affair has to prove that this marriage is worth saving. Of course, the wronged has their fair share of work cut out for them too.

My friend gave in after a day's contemplation and returned to her husband. I think it was a wise move. I think her husband still loves her despite her feeling that he doesn't. At the very least, he has the family to think of and I think he is the kind of person who will not let his family fall apart so easily and therefore will work to prove his worth. She has stated her terms and he has given in to all her requests and knows what he has to do in order to regain her trust.

I am just glad that the anguish is now somewhat diminished from her voice and that she sounds much better now than she did when I first spoke to her. She doesn't speak in fit and starts, punctuated by stifled crying. She sounds and seems more like her old self. I admire that she made it extremely clear to her husband what she needs in no uncertain terms (even drawing up a legal contract) and that she is making some major changes in her life to ensure that things work out. I think she is much stronger than she thought she was (in the end, we all are, when we find ourselves faced with situations like this) and this episode has made her even stronger, but sadly has also jaded her. I don't think it was her fault that this happened. But I do believe that there came a point in time when there was a lack of communication in their marriage and this served as fuel to the affair. I believe her husband was weak and succumbed to temptation. I also believe he liked the attention that the other woman was lavishing on him and so he lapped it up.

In the end and at the risk of sounding like a male-basher, I believe that men are just weak. They crave attention, they have humongous egos, they do the stupidest things without thinking or with no regard of the consequences. Some even hold little regard for their other halves.

Yes, we're only human but we should be responsible for our actions especially when what we do affects the people who are closest to us.

Call me jaded but I have seen too many infidelity cases to reserve judgement on men. They all have the potential to be scum. I see it in the workplace, I hear of it from friends, I have seen it happen to others, I've had some measure of experience myself. I reserve my high regard for the opposite sex until their lot proves that they really deserve it.