C-E-L-L-U-L-I-T-E

The Goodyear blimp has nothing on me.

By now I should realise that nothing is impossible during pregnancy. Like the fact that I can find cellulite growing in communal clumps on my upper arms. Or that my back could possibly feel any stiffer for all the curdled-milk-buildup-gone-awry creeping from my knees all the way up my thighs to my butt and settling on my back.

As Vicki Iovine said in The Girlfriend's Guide To Pregnancy, "...I had cellulite so bad it looked like I had been pelted with cottage cheese..."

This close and intimate encounter with the enemy is all but driving me up the wall. A total-body experience it is turning out to be because daily I find new clumps of the offending buildup turning up on my body. Soon, I'll be expecting to find cellulite even down where my feet and ankles are. Who knows? Maybe my fingers will take to the stuff and start sprouting some of their own.

It's so rampant it feels like a plague raging across the landscape of my body like spores let loose from a lalang pod. Soon it'll be creeping up my neck and populating my face. Then my husband will return home one weekend to find this huge monstrous blob that's taken over his wife's body.

I was so desperate I'd even bought some anti-cellulite massage cream and have been dilligently massaging it into my butt and thighs every morning and evening. Somehow, I don't think it's working. I'm just about ready to give up and give in to this "total body" experience that pregnancy is making me go through.

I just wonder how I'll get rid of all this offending clump after the baby's born. Maybe I'll just make sure my urut lady applies her magical hands and fingers to all my problem areas and massage them away.

In my life however, things are not always that easy nor simple.

But then again, there's always liposuction...